Problem Solving
by sjcmagic
Summary: Michael witnesses a fight between Jim and Pam while Andy tries to convince everyone in the office to go to a baseball game at Scranton University.


The Office

Problem Solving

Stephen Calhoun

3/3/2009

Teaser

SCENE A

COLD OPEN:

INT. HALLWAY ENTRANCE - DAY

(Michael Scott, Dwight Schrute)

MICHAEL COMES HURRYING IN THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A BROAD SMILE

SFX: POWER DRILL IN BACKGROUND

MICHAEL

Let's see if he's done.

MICHAEL ENTERS HIS OFFICE. DWIGHT'S HEAD POPS UP FROM UNDERNEATH DESK WEARING SAFETY AND TOOLS LITTER MICHAEL'S OFFICE FLOOR

DWIGHT

This is a terrible idea.

CUT TO: MICHAEL SCOTT TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

A few days ago I was waiting at Great Clips to have my hair cut and saw this beautiful Asian woman on a magazine cover. Her name was Feng Shui, and she had the most beautiful smile and fun shaped eyes. I couldn't stop staring at them. I opened the magazine and Ms. Shui had this great quote: "To love oneself you must love your surrounding." Do I love myself? Yes. Of course. But do I love my surrounding? No. Not always. So I decided to install a swinging door under my desk.

CUT TO: MICHAEL'S OFFICE. DWIGHT IS HOLDING POWER DRILL

MICHAEL

(CRAWLING UNDER DESK) You can see I got this started yesterday and Dwight finished it today (CAMERA ZOOMS ON RANDOM HOLES IN THE DESK AND SCRATCH MARKS). I never use this back part of my desk but now it can be my area of escape—my area of "send." (DWIGHT LEANS OVER AND TRIES TO HOLD THE DOOR UP FOR MICHAEL AS HE SLIDES UNDER IT)

DWIGHT

Michael, turn your body…

MICHAEL

God, Dwight, I got it, just turn

DWIGHT AND MICHAEL GO BACK AND FORTH UNTIL MICHAEL IS WEDGED IN UNDER THE DESK CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE

DWIGHT

(Holding the swinging door) You all the way in?

MICHAEL

Aaah, I can feel the stress leaving me already.

DWIGHT LETS GO OF THE DOOR AND IT SWINGS AND SLAMS MICHAEL IN THE SIDE

MICHAEL

Dammit Dwight!

CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS

ACT ONE

Scene B

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - DAY

MICHAEL ON PHONE WITH DAVID WALLACE. DESK STILL HAS SAWDUST AND RANDOM SCREWS ON IT.

MICHAEL

You should check it out sometime, David. It's very nice (Borat voice).

DAVID

No, Michael. And I don't think you should be drilling holes in company property. I'm just calling to let you know the board has been talking a lot about personnel and making changes. Your branch consistently performs towards the top and we want to reward people there.

MICHAEL

SITTING BACK WITH A PLEASED EXPRESSION) I… (LOUD EXHALE) I don't know what to say. Your kind words are over… over and… overly appreciated.

DAVID

Michael, we're looking for ways to better utilize your work force across the entire company. Our top salesman work at your branch and we need to use their knowledge elsewhere.

MICHAEL

(WORRIED) Are talking about transferring Jim and Dwight? Because you can't transfer my family members. What would happen if the cool older brother and weird reject uncle were forced to leave a family? It would fall apart, David.

DAVID

Were not transferring anyone. All I need you to do is figure out who a good successor might be. Who is someone at your branch who possesses the skills that have made you successful as a manager.

CUT TO: ANDY BERNARD TALKING HEAD

ANDY

Ever since I transferred here from Stamford a few years ago I've never really connected with the people. I did almost marry one of them, but that was a different kind of connection. At Stamford, we just knew what was going on with each other.

CUT TO: ANDY AWKWARDLY SLIDING BEHIND KEVIN'S CHAIR IN THE BREAK ROOM

We didn't even have to talk. If someone walked in with a fever, I could just feel it. I could feel "Tony is sick today" because we knew each other so well.

CUT TO: ANDY SITTING IN HIS CAR IN THE PARKING LOT WHILE CREED SITS IN HIS CAR DIRECTLY BEHIND ANDY'S BLOCKING HIM. ANDY BECOMES ANNOYED BUT CREED JUST SITS THERE LOOKING AROUND AND LISTENING TO MUSIC.

Or when Randy came in and I just knew he'd been paralyzed from the waist down from the car accident and would have to be in that wheel chair for the rest of his life. I could just tell. I don't have that with people here. But I'm going to get it.

ANDY HOLDS UP TEN TICKETS TO A UNIVERSITY OF SCRANTON BASEBALL GAME

CUT TO: ANDY WALKING INTO MAIN OFFICE AREA. ALL REGULAR EMPLOYEES ARE WORKING AT THEIR DESKS. ANDY WALKS TO STANLEY'S DESK AND PLACES THE TICKET ON THE DESK.

STANLEY

What's this?

ANDY

That, my friend, is an invitation to join the Nard dog and other Dunder Mifflin employees at the premier local collegiate baseball event this weekend: Scranton Royals v. Juaniata Eagles.

STANLEY

No.

ANDY

C'mon, Stanley, it'll be fun. You can bring your daughter. Lots of cute guys for her to check out.

STANLEY GIVES HIM AN "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" LOOK. PHYLLIS SMILES ACROSS THE DESK

PHYLLIS

Bob and I love baseball. We'd go with you.

ANDY

Yeah, well alright Mistah and Missa Vance.

ANDY WALKS OVER AND HANDS HER TWO TICKETS. PHYLLIS MOTIONS FOR HIM TO GET CLOSER SO SHE CAN WHISPER SOMETHING TO HIM.

PHYLLIS

(WHISPERING) As a former head of the party planning committee, I'll warn you that the people here are a tough crowd. If you want to get people to come, you'll have to cater to what they like. (THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT AND NOD. CAMERA ZOOMS ON ANDY'S THOUGHTFUL EXPRESSION.)

MICHAEL

Attention everyone. (CAMERA PANS AROUND TO FIND MICHAEL EXITING HIS OFFICE AND ENTERING THE MAIN OFFICE AREA) Your leader is talking. Stop what you're doing. Immediately. (MICHAEL HANGS UP A CALL DWIGHT IS ON). OK. I have an announcement to make. I will be leaving in a few minutes. (HE PAUSES WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK WHERE HE'LL BE GOING. NO ONE DOES) So since you're probably all wondering where I'll be going, all I can say is I can't tell you. While I'm gone Jim is in charge. Jim, in a few minutes you should probably go sit in my office and do your calls in there.

JIM

Oh I don't need to do that.

MICHAEL

I think you should. It'd be good for you. Get a sense of what having your own office feels like. (JIM SHAKES HIS HEAD) Also (TO EVERYONE) even if you don't see me leave, I won't be in my office. Just trust me. I am usually somewhere else.

JIM

Are you going to teleport out?

DWIGHT

That's so stupid. Teleportation devices won't be invented for at least another ten years. Or until the second Romulan invasion.

CREED

It's not stupid. Those things work.

CUT TO: CREED TALKING HEAD

CREED

I used to take and sell teleportation pills. I'd always end up somewhere else and could never remember how I got there.

CUT TO: JIM AND DWIGHT SITTING AT THEIR DESKS

DWIGHT

Are you going to go into Michael's office?

JIM

Nah. I've got everything I need here.

DWIGHT

(LOOKING SHOCKED) Your superior gave you a direct command. If I was ever your boss.

JIM

Which you're not

DWIGHT

But if I was

JIM

But your not

DWIGHT

I would write you up and give you three demerits for direct insubordination.

JIM

He hasn't left yet though.

DWIGHT

He said you might not see him leave (BEGINS SMILING KNOWINGLY).

JIM

OK, fine. Michael…

JIM TURNS AND OPENS MICHAEL'S OFFICE DOOR. HE WALKS IN AND IS SURPRISED WHEN HE DOESN'T SEE MICHAEL. ON MICHAEL'S CHAIR IS A CROWN FROM BURGER KING AND A SIGN READING "FOR MY FOLLOWER". THE WORD SUCCESSOR IS MISSPELLED AND CROSSED OUT SEVERAL TIMES ABOVE THE WORD FOLLOWER

Commercial

ACT TWO

Scene C

INT. ACCOUNTANT'S CORNER - DAY

ANDY WALKS IN

ANDY

Hello everyone.

KEVIN

Hi Andy. What's up?

ANDY

Just stopping by to say hi (BRIEF PAUSE) and I have a joke I wrote for you. (ANGELA LOOKS AT HIM WITH A HARSH GLARE). What is an accountant's favorite type of ice cream?

KEVIN

Ooo, mine is chocolate.

ANDY

No, I mean in general. In general what is an accountant's favorite ice cream flavor?

OSCAR

(SIGHING) What?

ANDY

Fudged Numbers. (KEVIN GLANCES AT OSCAR AND GIGGLES)

OSCAR

Andy, is there something you need?

ANDY

Sort of. Look, you all are super cool (ANDY GLANCES AT ANGELA WHO IS STILL GLARING)… most of you are super cool friends and I just wanted to invite you to an awesome college baseball game this weekend. (HE LAYS THE TICKETS DOWN ON KEVIN AND OSCAR'S DESKS. HE WALKS TO ANGELA'S, HESITATES, THEN PLACES A TICKET ON THE CORNER).

KEVIN

Who are you picking to win?

ANDY

Huh?

KEVIN

Who's the favorite? What are the odds? What's the over under? The spread?

OSCAR

Thanks Andy. I might be able to come depending on a few things at home. (KEVIN GIGGLES AGAIN).

ANDY

Great, well I'll consider that a maybe from most of you.

CUT TO: JIM IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE SITTING IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS – NOT IN MICHAEL'S CHAIR OR BEHIND HIS DESK. MICHAEL IS VISIBLE UNDER THE DESK BEHIND HIS TRAP DOOR BUT JIM HASN'T NOTICED HIM. PAM ENTERS.

PAM

Hey, I finished designing our invitations. What do you think? (HANDS JIM AN INVITATION)

JIM

(SOMEWHAT DISTANTLY) Yeah, these look good.

PAM

Do you like them or are you just saying that?

JIM

Yeah, no, I think they look good.

CUT TO: JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

Pam and I are doing a lot of the wedding plans, and it's kind of weird. Not because I'm worried about marrying her but because she's already planned a wedding once before. So conversations often start with "When Roy and I looked at flowers" which is weird.

CUT TO: PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM

Jim doesn't like it when I talk about my plans with Roy, but I got some really great deals on stuff. Now I feel like I have something to reference. Plus Roy never cared about anything I chose so I didn't have to talk to him about it. He did care about the band though. That was a disaster.

CUT TO: MICHAEL'S OFFICE WITH JIM AND PAM SITTING

JIM

I told you, these wedding plans can just be awkward sometimes.

PAM

(FRUSTRATED) I thought we'd move passed this. This can't come up every time I ask for your opinion on something.

JIM

If I'd been engaged to Karen, wouldn't it make you feel weird to talk about all the great plans I had with her? For instance, Karen wanted our first dance to be to "Time After Time."

PAM

(INTERRUPTING) Wait, you and Karen discussed wedding plans?

JIM

Sort of. Not really. All as a hypothetical. Like "When we get married I'd like to have this."

PAM IS VISIBLY UPSET WITH THIS. SHE GETS UP AND QUIETLY WALKS OUT

JIM

Wait, Pam.

HE STANDS UP BUT CAN'T CATCH HER BEFORE SHE LEAVES THE OFFICE. HE EXITS AND SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK. THE CAMERA WALKS AROUND TO MICHAEL STILL WEDGED UNDER HIS DESK. HE LIFTS THE SWINGING DOOR AND HAS A COMPLETELY SHOCKED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

Scene D

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE

MICHAEL CROUCHED DOWN TRYING TO LOOK OUT HIS WINDOW. PAM WALKS BY AND GOES TO THE BREAK ROOM. JIM STANDS UP AND FOLLOWS SHORTLY AFTER SHE PASSES. MICHAEL QUICKLY STEPS OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND RUNS TO THE HALLWAY. JIM TRIES TO TALK TO PAM IN THE BREAK ROOM BUT SHE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

CUT TO: ANDY WALKING UP TO CREED

ANDY

Can you take me higher? Rr-du-dudu-duh-du. To the place with golden streets. (CREED TAKES HIS GLASSES OFF AND LOOKS AT ANDY). I bet you get that all the time, right?

CREED

Get what all the time?

ANDY

The singing. The band Creed.

CREED

(FRANTICALLY) I don't know what you're talking about. All royalties from my bands were distributed equally to all band members as our contracts state. They never proved otherwise.

CUT TO: MICHAEL SCOTT TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

Apparently Pam and Jim are having some trouble, and I'll be a monkey if I'm going to sit by and let their relationship fall apart. Although, I did try that with Jan for a while; it was probably our best weeks as a couple.

CUT TO: MICHAEL EXITING HIS OFFICE AND STANDING BEHIND JIM. MICHAEL GRABS HIS SHOULDERS AND BEGAN MASSAGING

JIM

What are you doing?

MICHAEL

You just seem a little tense. Are you doing OK?

JIM

Yep, doing fine Michael.

PAM LOOKS OVER WITH A QUIZZICAL EXPRESSION. MICHAEL NOTICES.

MICHAEL

You know what helps stress? Ice cream. And coffee. And Mexican food.

JIM

That doesn't sound right.

MICHAEL

And it tastes great over mashed potatoes. (MICHAEL CLAPS HIS HANDS) You know what, we should go out.

JIM

It's the middle of the afternoon.

MICHAEL

I know. It's what the Mexicans call a siesta. A siesta fiesta (MAKES MOTION AS IF SHAKING MARACAS. CAMERA ZOOMS ON OSCAR).

JIM

I think I'll just stay here. Thanks though.

MICHAEL

Suit yourself. (HE STANDS FOR A MOMENT TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO NEXT.) Pam, could I see you in my office?

PAM

Is this about the nose thing because I already gave you my opinion on that.

MICHAEL

(TRYING TO SHUSH HER AND MOTIONING HIS HANDS DOWN) Sh, no, sh. It's not about whether I should have a nose job, although I could look like a movie star. But your right, I already do. It's about something with you and others. Other people. Other folks who you talk to and know.

PAM FOLLOWS MICHAEL INTO HIS OFFICE.

Act 3

Scene D

CUT TO: SHOT OF JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK

ANDY WALKS INTO FRAME WEARING A BASEBALL CAP AND CATCHER'S MITT. HE TOSSES THE BALL INTO HIS MITT. HE THEN TOSSEES IT TO JIM BUT DWIGHT SNAGS IT OUT OF MID AIR.

DWIGHT

Assault. You should be arrested for attacking a co-worker. (DWIGHT REACHES INTO A DRAWER AND STARTS PULLING OUT NUNCHUKS)

JIM

Dwight, stop, he was just playing.

DWIGHT

Just playing is right where every old person who ever lived ends up: dead. I'm not playing. I'm winning.

ANDY

I wanted to invite you both to come enjoy a day of America's favorite pastime with me.

DWIGHT

Beet pulping?

ANDY

No, y'know, the greatest sport of all time.

JIM

(PLAYING DUMB) I'm afraid I don't follow.

ANDY

You know, the great ball and stick, (HE HOLDS UP HIS GLOVE AND MITT TRYING TO EMPHASIZE HIS POINT). Hammerin Hank. Shoeless Joe. Cauliflower Caudill.

JIM

I think you made that last one up.

DWIGHT

Are you talking about baseball?

ANDY

(FRUSTRATED) Yes! (HE HAS A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE) Baseball! I have tickets to a game this Saturday if you want to come.

JIM

Oh, I can't this Saturday. I have a friend who's moving during the game.

ANDY

But I didn't tell when it was yet.

JIM

Well when is it?

ANDY

The game starts at…

JIM

Yeah, he needs me right then

ANDY

2:00. Um, OK. Dwight?

DWIGHT

Recreational sports are a waste of time. Unless someone is herding animals or vanquishing evil, I see no reason to run.

CUT TO: DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT

I used to play sports all the time. Round the Wagons. Deephole diving. And Moe's favorite: Smimple Ja Crimple. Since I've grown up though I see little need for any physical exertion that might detract from selling paper or defending against bear attacks.

CUT TO: PAM IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE. MICHAEL IS WEARING HIS BURGER KING CROWN

MICHAEL

Pam, is there anything you'd like to talk about with me today?

PAM

(CONFUSED) No.

MICHAEL STANDS UP AND WALKS BEHIND PAM. HE TAKES HER SHOULDERS AND BEGINS MASSAGING. PAM DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING BUT BEGINS SCRUNCHING HER BACK.

MICHAEL

There ya go. Just let it all out. Let the Shui flow through you Feng. (PAM LOOKS ALARMED). Sometimes bedroom stuff can be difficult. I know Jan (PAM STANDS UP)

PAM

Stop, Michael. That's enough.

MICHAEL

I'm just trying to help. I heard you two fighting earlier and thought I could offer some advice. I've had lots of girlfriends you know; I know a lot about how to make relationships work.

PAM

(SARDONICALLY) That's sweet, but Jim and I will be OK.

MICHAEL

Aha! Problem number one: denial. You and Jim are about to break up, Pam. Your about to go through a messy divorce with court proceedings and who will get the kids and a la mode money.

PAM

Michael, really, you don't need to worry about us.

MICHAEL

Yes. As your boss and someone who knows the most about your relationship with Jim, you are the only people I have to worry about. Jim!

JIM ENTERS HIS OFFICE. MICHAEL WALKS OVER AND TAKES JIM'S HAND. HE THEN PLACES IT INTO PAM'S. JIM AND PAM EXCHANGE A GLANCE.

MICHAEL

Til death do you part. Til death do you part or the world explodes. That's what I want for you two. And I don't care if Karen wanted to dance to "Rocket Man," I want you two to be together.

JIM

(REALIZING MICHAEL OVERHEARD THE PREVIOUS CONVERSATION) Wait, were you spying on us earlier?

MICHAEL

Spying, no. Equipping. Mentoring. Customizing. Yes.

PAM

(HEARING A PHONE RING) I should answer that

MICHAEL

No Pam. We are staying in here until you two work this out. (HE WALKS OVER AND LOCKS HIS DOOR). Now sit down and let love in.

JIM AND PAM SIT DOWN. MICHAEL SITS BEHIND HIS DESK AND PULL OUT A CLIPBOARD AND NOTEPAD. HE TRIES TO LOOK AS MUCH LIKE A COUNSELOR AS POSSIBLE. THEY SIT IN SILENCE FOR A WHILE.

MICHAEL

No one is going anywhere until you two love each other again (PAM AND JIM SIGH. JIM FINALLY TURNS TO PAM.)

JIM

This is a little ridiculous(GLANCES AT MICHAEL),

MICHAEL

Yes, good. Keep going. Keep pushing.

JIM AND PAM PAUSE

PAM

Look, Michael, I think we're going to talk about this somewhere else.

PAM

Yeah. (THEY STAND UP TO LEAVE. CAMERA PANS TO MICHAEL WHO IS SOBBING. HE WALKS OVER AND HUGS THEM.)

CUT TO: MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

Some days are just like this. Some days I'm a boss. Some days I'm a comedian. And some days I'm just a great guy. But everyday I'm a friend. And everyday I'm a boss and a comedian too, but a fun one. One who Jim and Pam can come to with their problems and I won't say "Oh, hey, that's not my job. My job is to order you around and make your life hard."

CUT TO: ANDY GIVING KELLY A LITTLE BUDDHA STATUE WITH A TICKET TAPED AROUND HIS STOMACH. KELLY LOVES IT.

No, I wouldn't say that because they're my best friends. And a best friend is a best friend to everyone.

CUT TO: MEREDITH FINDING A TICKET ON HER DESK AND THROWING IT INTO THE TRASH

I am man's best friend. And Jim and Pam are my dawgs and bitc… no, that's not what I mean. What I mean is we have an understanding and love for each other that only a master and his pet could have. And that's what makes this so special.

COMMERCIAL

TAG

ANDY, KEVIN, PHYLLIS, BOB VANCE, KELLY, AND CREED ALL SITTING AT THE BASEBALL GAME.


End file.
